Sucking it up.

If you have been following my blog from the beginning, I think we can all agree this has been quite a year of change.  In terms of my 'blog year'..I think I started last December, just the last ten months has been a pattern of dramatic shifts.
I have definitely become more self aware, hopefully not to be confused with self centered.  Friday was a defining moment.
I teach dance for a woman who once was my dance teacher in High School and owns her own studio now.  She knows I have a bit of time right now as I am in between jobs and told me about a 'Master Dance Class' in 'Musical Theatre Dance' that was to be hosted at one of her dance teacher meetings.  The class was open.  I haven't really taken a dance class in quite some time, I was in.
I figured it was an hour.
When I arrived the meeting was still going on and I was chatting with a really nice girl whom I assumed was my age outside of the dance space.  She was in from Philadelphia and her family owns a dance school in Massachusetts.  Great.  I know I'm rusty.
She tells me the town she grew up in--right next door to my home town.  I know lots of people from her town.  'What year did you graduate?'
'05'.
Me:  'oh..yeah..I've got a couple of years on you..' I mentally do the math and cringe that I assumed we were the same age..
Girl: 'Oh, well my sister graduated in '03!'
Me:  'Yeah...still older'.
I was out of college before her and her sister graduated High School.  Great.  I'm going into this class with young, cute girls who are still actively dancing.  Awesome.
Then we found out that he was not teaching Musical Theatre Dance...he wanted to do 'Contemporary Ballet'.
When you haven't taken a class in years and you show up for a Master Class and someone says Ballet..it is a totally natural reaction to want to crap your pants.
Ballet is not something to just jump into one day.  Trust me on this one.
So, I suck it up and go in.  I was pleasantly surprised to find that his version of Contemporary Ballet is very free form, and I am doing fine.  His movement is comfortable to me.  He is easy on the eyes and the age range of the class was mainly about 23-50-ish.  I'm totally fine.
Until his first combination about an hour into class.  Yeah.  I thought class was an hour.  It ended up being 2 hours.
Anyways, because I have been out of the class so long I am having a hard time picking up the routine quickly.  Did I mention I'm competitive?  I have a real problem when I don't feel like I am one of the best in the class.  It pisses me off.  I want to be the best or I don't  want to do it. This is NOT a pretty side of me.
He then says the words almost everyone hates to hear : Let's do this in two groups.
Now, I have no problem with an instructor or any of the people watching knowing that I am struggling.  I gave into that feeling.  I DID however, have a problem with my dancing peers seeing me struggle.  The jig is up.  They are all gonna know that I suck.  I have the urge to go up to the front of the class and say 'um I just want to let you guys know that I KNOW I am rusty.  I know that I have not picked up the routine yet, and I am OK with you laughing at me.  At one point I was a super quick learner and had great technique.  Today is not that day..but, don't think I don't know!'.
I did not do this.
So, he puts on the music and the first group goes.  I make the decision that I am just going to sit it out.  I don't need to embarrass myself. I am all set.  I am hostile.  I'm mad at myself and embarrassed in my own head, I'm certainly not going to make an ass out of myself.
This is when I take a good look to my right.  I see Nicole, a girl I used to have in dance class a couple of years ago.  I want to say she is between 8 and 10.  Her mom let her take the class.  Nicole was watching me according to her mother the whole class because she was used to watching me..I told her mom to tell Nicole to 'save herself' I was no one to be watching today!
However, I thought in that moment about my choice to sit out.  If she was in my class and wanted me to sit out, I would have been really mad.  I would have had her sit in the front of the room and would have been super disappointed.  I would have told her to try.  I would have told her not to worry about what everyone else thought, and this is your moment for yourself.  If you don't get the routine who cares?  There will be another one that you WILL get, and you are doing yourself a dis-service by sitting out.
What kind of example was I about to set?  Not a good one.
I jumped in with the second group.  I messed up more times than I care to count.  But, I did it.
I'm not 23.  I'm not 25..I'm 30 years old.  Time to swallow my pride, grow up and grow a pair.
So..turns out I wasn't the best.  But, I finished the class. I felt good, and I have new resolve to take more dance classes.  Even if I am not the best anymore, it feels good.  If there is one thing I have learned this year is that not enough time has been spent on things that feel good.  And another thing...apparently when you are an adult you are suppose to set examples.  Go figure.