Making Magic with the Bullet

I have to admit, after dating someone who was a chef for so long..I was afraid I didn't know how to cook anymore.  Truth be told, I really haven't had to much for the past 2 1/2 years.  So, the thought of cooking a meal for other people made my stomach hurt a little.
The good news is I CAN cook!  It has been well documented in my new home, and I am happy to report what I have made so far has not killed anyone and dare I say it has been really yummy? Or Siobhan is really polite-which she is.  Hmm.

The bad news is..I'm a loser. I am really comfortable with this.  I have been wanting 'The Magic Bullet' in the worst way for years.  I love to make smoothies and other blended things.  I knew people with it and I was always fascinated with it.  This weekend I 'bit the bullet' and bought the bullet.

I am also aware that the name of this sounds a whole lot like an adult toy.  So, when I talk about the magic bullet..I feel like I am talking dirty.  Even worse when I brought it home,  you would have thought I was having a sexual experience.  Actually both Siobhan and I fell into that category.  We stared at the box last night for about 10 minutes looking at all it can do.  Well..I stared at it and called her into the kitchen like a lunatic, shouting 'IT MAKES PESTO!!! OH MY GOD IT GRINDS COFFEE!!!'.  I have never ground coffee in my life.  I'm pretty sure I don't need to...but I CAN NOW!!!  It steams things, it comes with it's own cups with color coded rims, so we won't get confused when I make say... a frozen Margarita!  YES, YES, YES!!
Then, it got even better.  In the box is a book of recipes.  There is nothing my magic bullet can't do.  Sauces, batter, dips.  I may never leave the house.
Now, I may be so excited about this, as my last blender had..and incident.  Let's just say on Valentine's day I found a recipe for 'peanut butter and jelly truffles'.  It sounded weird but, it was something that would have been greatly appreciated by my ex.
Let's just say...a blender can't handle peanut butter and bread.  I may have caused an electrical fire and blown up the blender.  I haven't bought one since.
However, I am confident the bullet can take whatever I throw at it.  The infomercial told me.
I gave it a test drive this morning and I'm not sure who was more excited about what was going to happen Siobhan or I.  I was in heaven, and she practically ran from the shower to find me to see how it all went.
It might be love.

The time my famous friend got married..

Thursday night I was so happy to be a guest at a celebration of the wedding of my friend Julie McNiven.  If the name isn't familiar to you, there is a good chance the face will be.  If the face isn't now, I say with complete confidence that one day it will be.
Julie and I went to college together getting degrees in Theatre Arts.  While I decided to do..mostly nothing with my degree directly related to theatre, except laugh that I have a degree in pretend, Julie has worked tirelessly at getting where she is today.
However, these things made me a bit uneasy Thursday night.
The truth is..I haven't seen Julie physically in years.  YEARS.  I can't even tell you the last time I saw her now that I am writing this.  Except on TV.
Julie can regularly be seen on Madmen, which I'm embarrassed to say I don't regularly watch (I'm sorry Julie!).  I've seen it, I like it but, I don't sit down to watch it.  I might be a bad friend.

I like the element of surprise.  One night I was watching Desperate Housewives with my then boyfriend and a girl walks across the screen and I sit straight up screaming 'I KNOW HER!!! I KNOW HER!!!'.  My boyfriend looked at me like I was crazy, as I paused and re-wound the walk by over and over until I was convinced.  I then texted Julie 'OH MY GOD, you are on my TV right NOW I think...!!'.   Then I pushed play and her name popped up in the opening credits.
By the end of the episode...my friend was dead.  The next week opened to her dead body.  Strangled.  I have to say it's a little upsetting to see your friend dead on TV..even when you know she's acting.
Even worse was one rainy afternoon when I was flipping around the channels.  She also has a recurring role on 'The Supernatural'.  As I flipped, there she was again!! Julie McNiven on my TV!  This fills me with a huge sense of pride.  I stop what I am doing and watch..and kind of have a moment with myself where I say again I KNOW HER!  Less because I think it makes me cool, and more because I am so excited for her.
I watch the scene...and ten minutes later she literally burst into flames in some sort of alien moment...this was not before she kicked some serious ass that I'm pretty sure they brought a stunt double in for.
But, there was my friend with flames coming out of her eyes.  Below is right before the flames.

This is why Thursday I was nervous.  Over the past 5 or so years the only times I've seen her she has been killed by murder or alien force.  I kinda felt like I might need to spring into action to save her at any point during the night.  I don't know what my qualifications are against aliens, but I'd step up to the plate.
But, even with all the excitement in her life, Thursday she was the Julie I always knew.  Gracious, kind, and in love.  No flames or supernatural creatures in sight.

*below is always what I look like before I take down aliens personally-I'm always ready to spring into action, below is also what Julie looks like minus the costuming, strangle marks, and flames.

Savor the moment?

I just saw an ad for Fancy Feast Appetizers on TV.  Their tag-line is 'Savor the moment'.  I just want to say if anyone ever catches me 'savoring the moment' over 'appetizers' with a cat.  Put me out of my misery.  Please.  You will be doing me a favor.  The woman in the commercial looks like she is ready for a romantic night in with fluffy.  I mean look at this woman...isn't it kind of the American nightmare to end up alone with your cat?  Now they're trying to make it... a little..I don't know sexy?? Look at the look in that cats' eye!  It's not right.

Was there a big demand for cat appetizers?  Do cats feel put out when they only get an 'entree'??

Also..I have had cats.  I'm pretty sure none of them wanted a candle-lit dinner 'moment' with me after, nor did I want one with them.

I want to be clear that I am an animal lover, I have had animals most of my life.  I think this period has been the longest I have been without an animal in my home.  Somedays I think I would love a pet--a cuddly cat, or a dog to walk;  it's just not the right time.  Even when the time is right for a pet I still hope that I am savoring moments and sharing appetizers with humans.  The cat can eat later.  

Word of the day: RE-PURPOSE.

First things first-a quick update.  A round of applause to John Cotti for making the 'Pregnant picture' the picture it was always meant to be.  This ladies and gentleman is one of the many reasons John is my best guy friend...if he was a BETTER friend, he would have made me REALLY skinny...Next time.  However, this is his 'fast and dirty photoshop' (so delicately put by John himself):

*This photo is really fun if you have i-photo.  You can put the two next to each other and go back and forth really fast....and watch my 'ladies butt stomache' go in and out.  It's a good time.  Yeah.  I know how to have a good time.

In keeping with the topic of photos, most of you--you know..all 5 who read this, noticed that I put a new picture up on my blog profile.  Where on earth did this fancy picture come from?  Great question.  Awkward answer?  Coming right up.
So, when you decide to not get married, there are some lose ends to clean up a lot of the time.  You can talk to your venue and get your deposit back if someone else books, you can cancel your photographer and DJ, you can sell your wedding dress.  You can pretty much back your way out of most things.
Except.  Boudoir photos.
Back in January my friends (now) wife (then) fiance e-mailed me a great deal that she found.  We would go have 'boudoir' photo's done at this really nice hotel in Boston.  If you are unfamiliar with what these are, it's basically photos that are very tasteful, but you are in your underwear.  You get your makeup and hair done, bring a bunch of lingerie, have a glass of champagne and have your picture taken.
Like I said, it is tasteful and by no means raunchy.  But, they are not something you would bring in and show say...your dad or your boss.
So..off we went.   The woman who did our pictures was fantastic, she did a really great job.  We were in an amazing hotel room with a view of the city--huge windows, amazing decor.  We had such a blast.  I have to say whether you are dating someone, married or not I think every woman should do this just to give yourself a boost.  Not to be overly dramatic but, it's a very freeing feeling to just let your insecurities go and have someone make you look really good.  I'm not a very modest person, so this was pretty painless, but to some women..like most women I know, it could be like jumping out of an airplane. You are with a stranger doing that dance in your underwear that you usually only do by yourself in your bedroom.  Or maybe only I do that?
Anyways.
Now I have a lovely photo book and DVD of photos. Of myself.  In my underpants.  What the hell am I suppose to do with that??
I mean, I can show them to my girlfriends--and I have inspired them to want to do it too, and that is great.  But, at the end of the day..what do you do with pictures of yourself in your underpants???  It's just a little funny.
I sometimes say, 'oh, I will show my grandkids someday that back in the day nana had some sass'...but, then I say 'self..do you want to see your grandmother in her underpants?'..No.  Not so much.
So, last night was my first project of 're-purposing' my photos.  I had long e-mails with my friend Kristen and telephone discussions about which photo was going to work on my blog that didn't look like I was trying to be all..something.  That girl.  So, the one you see is the one we picked after much cropping.
So..where will the next 're-purpose' show up?  Not really sure, I'm going to have to get creative.
I'm thinking Christmas cards.  Because who doesn't want to get a Christmas card from their friend dancing in their underwear?

A not so pregnant pause..

I try and not let my insecurities get to me when it comes to pictures.  The key word in that sentence is 'try'.  I look back on some really fun times and sometimes the way I look..is not so fun.  It happens.  We all get bad pictures.  I'm not immune to that little piece of panic that you get when your phone alerts you that 'so and so tagged you in a picture' on Facebook.  You never know what you are going to find when that happens.  Never.  And I have played beat the clock to untag myself in a few photos.  BUT.  On the other hand, the truth of the matter is.  I'm human.  I don't always look good.  I go out in public after a workout and run errands.  I am not above running to target after rolling out of bed and throwing something on and just hoping I don't run into anyone.  I'm not someone who feels the need to be in 'full makeup' to go to the grocery store.
But, back to the pictures.  In may Gina and Troy got married.  (Maybe this will just be 'Gina week' here on the blog?)  I was in their wedding, and it was an amazing time.  That night I made it my personal mission to be on the dance floor and out dance anyone.  Apparently one of her cousins and I had the same mission, she had more drinks in her. She won.  These were pictures I was excited to see.
I was really excited that the photographer caught me and Gina's new husband Troy bustin' a little move.  I was less excited when I opened the picture up full size.  What the HELL happened??  Did I LOOK that bad in my dress?  When I'm not sucking in...does my gut really hang out that far???  Umm...am I four months pregnant and not get the memo??   The answer to these question are no and no.  The stars aligned at that moment.  Look closely.  There is a woman in black pants behind me in the photo.  All you can see is her ass and her legs. Perfectly blended into my black dress.  Look quick: pregnant.  Look close: ladies ass.  Thank you lady for giving me a glimpse into my future when I start having kids. Unfortunately, I love this picture of Troy and I...We are having fun--I just wish I remembered what we were dancing to...it must have been good to get my chubby pregnant ass on the dance floor!  However, on Facebook, I admit I am just vain enough to comment under the picture to clear up any misconceptions.  I couldn't resist.

Christmas in July.

Tonight my friend Scott calls me at 10pm.  'Al, I have a question'...  That statement is right up there with 'I have something to tell you' or 'We have to talk'.  Any of those immediately make me want to throw up a little, because it never sounds like it's going to end good.
The good news is, this was all about him and his problem and there was nothing for me to worry about.  Phew.  Do me a favor and try and stay with this blog through the blah blah, before I tie this into Christmas and the most embarrassing Christmas story ever. EVER.
Scott wanted to know if it was appropriate for him to continue to wear a ring his ex boyfriend gave him years ago.  He described the ring I have known to have been on his finger for years- sterling silver, Tiffany's ring.  He doesn't wear it on his ring finger.  It was a promise ring, but now he wears it because inside he remembers the meaning behind it, and it is the 'nicest piece of jewelry he owns.'  'Why should it sit in a box?'.
I agreed.  It's not a wedding band, or engagement ring, it is a nice piece of jewelry that someone who once loved him bought him.  It's special and as long as he's not looking at it and weeping...I say it stays.
I have a piece of jewelry I wear almost everyday from an ex.  I don't really think about it when I put it on--it is a piece that is completely me.  It goes with everything for the most part, and I love it.  Every once in a while I look at it and remember that someone loved me and gave it to me, and I also remember how much I've changed and grown since that relationship.  That's my thought on the subject--if you have better advice for Scott, as always feel free to comment.  If nothing else, Scott will feel special.
OK here is the Christmas tie in.  So, Scott's ring is from Tiffany's--this is the segway.
One Christmas I was living with my good friend Gina.  It was the Christmas almost a year after an awful break up.  The kind that leaves you just broken and empty.  It had been a long year, and she had lived with me through it.  We didn't talk about exchanging gifts, but we had a running joke about her being a 'bitch'.  We would always laugh about her straight forward bedside manor.  For the record Gina can be described as fiercely loyal, kind, and a whole lot of other words that are decidedly un-bitchy.  Generous.  Gina is generous with her time, friendship, listening, compassion--you name it.  However, we have this running 'Gina is such a bitch' joke.  Well, imagine my surprise when I come across a tear away day calendar called 'Getting in Touch with your Inner Bitch'.  What a funny gift.  We didn't talk about doing gifts, but I get this for her--just a little funny something for Christmas morning.
To my surprise Gina comes out of her room Christmas morning with a gift for me also.  I am excited and I tell her to open hers--I'm pretty sure I did a nice card...and then the calendar.  She opened it and we had a good laugh. Ha ha ha.   Ohhh, Alison.  You are SO FUNNY.
Then she hands me my gift.
I open the bag and look inside.  I recognize the blue box as Tiffany's.  She must have re-used the box.  Right? RIGHT?
My heart starts to kind of pound a little bit..OK a lot of bit.
I open the blue box and there is a little blue jewelry bag inside.  This is not going well.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to pass out.
I open up a beautiful pair of sterling silver Tiffany's silver earrings.  Gina tells me she wanted to give them to me to wear until I meet a guy who is kind enough to buy me something from Tiffany's.
Did I mention she is generous?
I have never wanted to crawl into a hole so badly in my entire life...well, let's be real.  I'm sure I have.  This moment is right up there with the best of them though.
My friend and roommate buys me Tiffany earrings for Christmas.  I bought her the 'Bitch Calendar'.
There is just really NOTHING you can say to come back from that..I couldn't be like 'Just kidding, your brand new CAR is waiting in the driveway!'.  Even I couldn't talk myself out of that one.  I know when to admit defeat.  This Christmas in July memory jog has been brought to you by Scott...Scott, thanks again for that awkward walk around memory lane.  Gina...I'm still working on your fabulous gift.  I'm just waiting for MY 'bitch calendar'.  That's when I'm going to bust out my secret weapon.

And then there were two.

So, now that we're all aired out here in definitely decaf land...let's talk about what it looks like now.  As you get older I think it is natural that there are less and less people that you are really compatible to be a roommate with.  It's just a natural order.  I certainly wasn't into finding a random stranger on Craigslist to be my cohabitant, so alone it was.  It would be good for me--I'm an only child, and I do cherish time to myself.
I moved into a two bedroom apartment that was once occupied by my good friend's whose couch I called 'bed' for 2 months.  They bought a house down the street, and I just slid right on into their old place.  Seamless.
What I didn't expect was an e-mail the week before I moved in from a friend of mine asking if I was looking for a roommate.
Let me introduce to you Siobhan (who is going to read this at work tomorrow and be SO EXCITED she made the blog).  I have a feeling she will be in here a lot--if I'm aloud to.  I have clearance from her for this one.
Let's just say it's the irony of my life that the last time Siobhan and I sat down,  we were in the home she shared with her husband.  She was my wedding planner-she was starting her own business and was doing the job as a friend.  She was married and we were planning my wedding.   My.  What a difference a 6 months can make.  I know what you are thinking.  That apartment sounds like one big ole' hot mess.  How can I get in and hang out with those girls?  I know-we sound like a barrel of laughs! Try not to be jealous.
Siobhan is actually a friend of my friend Jen.  For all intents and purposes she is a 'friend of a friend'.  However, I never had an ounce of hesitation for her to move in.  It's funny that in life some people are just...easy to be with.  I never even thought about it when she asked me--it was a no brainer.  I knew we were a match.  Now, I know that I have weird things that we all have--like the toilet paper goes over the top or whatever.  And, I'm sure she won't find my hair in the drain adorable like someone who loves me does..OK bad example...no one finds that adorable.  But, insert whatever annoying habit about me you can imagine and I'm sure she won't really love it.  But, as roommates we fit.
Not to mention I forgot how nice it is to live with another woman who has fabulous clothes.  Siobhan is sassy--do not kid yourselves.  She is bringing the sass.
However...I do worry for us.  I was a little concerned about our lack of skills as we lugged in a ridiculous air conditioner that someone gave us that now sits in the middle of our living room.  I was even more concerned for both of us when ten minutes ago I got up to grab some water for bed and found that we almost went to bed with our back door wide open.  Yikes.
But, on a positive note--I found Siobhan likes to clean when she's mad (not at me for the record).  I also like to clean when I am mad.  Maybe we'll just spend a lot of time pissing each other off--and then we'll open a cleaning business?  This could be a very lucrative partnership indeed.

You don't know, till you know.

Friday I ran into some old co-workers of mine from my very first job out of college.  Some of my best work memories come from this place..but, that is a whole other story.

I realized when I walked in and talked to them that I assumed they knew I had made some major changes in my life.  When one woman said 'so...umm..are you getting married?  Or not?'..

It's moments like this that I wish I could just implant some sort of informational chip in someone's brain so I didn't have to go through the whole thing.  I've never been one to mind answering questions about my life--you can truly ask me anything, and I will most likely tell you.  I can't think of many things I would consider out of line for someone to ask me.  That is just who I am. 

However, the difference in this situation is the awkward moment for the person asking me.  It is ALWAYS more uncomfortable for the other person because they were nervous to ask, or they just didn't know at all--and now they feel like a jerk for bringing it up.  Everyone feels like we need to have a sad conversation--and let's face it now we are in a situation that is fun for no one!  Everyone searches for the right thing to say like 'better to know now!' and anything other canned responce you can think of.  I try and change the subject as fast as possible.

The worst victim of this time in my life is a friend from college who flew in from Milwaukee a couple of months ago.  We were at a party and I was in a conversation with someone else.  She comes in, sits on the edge of the couch next to me and grabs my hand looking for my ring.  'LET'S SEE IT!!'  (my ring)

It wasn't there.  She loves to give people the spot light and make them feel special--this is where she is going with this display.   She has drawn the whole room into our conversation in hopes to get everyone in a celebratory mood.  She has no idea.  The rest of the room comes to a dead stop like they are watching a train crash.  My friend Nate behind her is just saying 'umm..no, no...ummm'.

She grabs my other hand thinking maybe I'm going unconventional or something..There is no easy way to tell someone this excited that no, in fact you are not getting married.  So, I state the fact.  "oh, no..I called off my wedding.'

Her:  'Nate, I'll take that drink'.

In those moments--even in the beginning I was fine. I just  felt terrible for the person who didn't get the news.

So, as much as I didn't want to write this blog--because I keep a lot of things that I would love to write about off of here, I knew it is something I needed to do. I thought by dancing around it everyone would eventually catch on and I could just..avoid, avoid, avoid.  A lot of people I don't talk to regularly who knew I was getting married--still don't know and it turns out a lot of them read this blog.  And 3 months after the fact, it's time to just say it and..well..just say it.

I called off my wedding.  There is no need for details, or any of that--that is certainly private and there is no space here for that.  

I will say a few things though.  When I moved out a neighbor of ours was upset to see me go, she didn't know.  She teared up and asked what happened.  I simply told her it wasn't going to work out, but that he is a solid, fantastic, wonderful man who always did right by me.

She said 'wow, you're nice to not throw him under the bus'.  

As a society it is easy for all of us to digest things like this when there is something salacious to sum it up. If I was Sandra Bullock people could understand!  If I could say 'oh, he cheated' or 'oh, he was abusive' or 'oh, he eats meat and I'm a vegetarian'- people could understand.  I'm a lucky woman. I don't have any of those things to say--he was none of those things, and we both eat meat.  

I'm also a lucky woman to have been in a relationship with someone who treated me like gold, listened to me, helped me through some of my hardest times, laughed with me and was one of my best friends.  He raises the bar in many ways for men I date in the future.  Not everyone can walk away from a break-up and say that about there ex.  I am a lucky woman.  I can.  I don't regret any decision I made, because it brought me to where I am today, and he was a part of shaping that.  At first I almost wished there was something awful to make the process easier to wrap my own head around--as terrible as that sounds.  

But, three months out I am confident that it was the right decision for both of us, and I am happy and adjusted.  That alone tells me things are as they should be.  

And, now if you've read this and you run into me--you know.  And you can ask me anything you like and I promise you don't need to feel awkward--there is no need for sad eyes and uncomfortable moments.  Things are as they should be and life is full of possibility.  And, if my ex ever needs a great reference to give a woman for a future relationship, I will give a glowing review.  

 

Goal number one. Brought to you by the 'Thong Song'.

So, I *might* have sounded a little negative on a post about setting goals.  First I would like to say I have nothing against goals--everyone should have them, or else what are you working towards?  Second, I want to say I shouldn't have sounded so negative. Third, if you don't know 'The Thong Song'..most of this post will not make sense to you.  And, I'm sorry for that.

So, here is a goal.  Laugh all you want, but I am not kidding around.  I was running and I started to have a serious thought process about my ass.  Now, when I went to bed the other night, I'm pretty sure I was 19 or 20 and I woke up and realized I was in my 30's.  I don't know how that  happened but, here we are.  So, I'm confident I am going to wake up tomorrow and be in my 40's.
I will NOT wake up at 40 with 'Shovel Ass'.  You know what I'm talking about.  It's just what it sounds like.  It's the white woman ass that looks like someone came up behind her and smacked it with a shove.  So God help me.  I will not wake up with 'Shovel Ass'.
My sudden paranoia about it came when my i-pod decided to play 'The Thong Song'.  I was about to skip it thinking I really need to re-make my play lists, I have no interest in listening to The Thong Song.  But, it had the right beat.  And then I thought as I was running...hey...I want 'dumps like a truck. Truck.  Truck.'
I mean..I think my 'dumps' might be OK right now--I mean let's be real when I was 20 and still doing ballet my dumps were nicer...and I'm pretty sure I may have even had 'thighs like what what'.  But, it's not all that bad, I feel like now things are OK...but I have a feeling when decades go by like they do I don't want to wake up and say my 'dumps' look like they got hit by a truck.  Truck. Truck.
Or look at my thighs and say What? WHAT?.  That would be a whole different song.  I have a feeling thighs like 'What, what' may be bigger than what I'm going for...I may want thighs like..just what.  That's enough for me.
So I will be lunging and squatting.  Goal number 1 from now to 40 has been set.