For example: when is the appropriate time to let the person you are dating know that you are human? Not 'hey, I'm not perfect I make mistakes too' human. Like, 'Everybody Poops and sometimes I have gas human.'
I know some (i like to believe rare) girls choose not to ever really let this cat out of the bag. I have a good friend who has been with her husband in total over 10 years. She can count on ONE hand the amount of times she has farted in front of him. I won't use her name, you know who you are. I am fascinated with this. She swears she wishes she could get her gas out, and has been known to have intense stomachaches. I however think (know) this may be her personal choice. Good for her.
I am not one of those girls.
I have always been the girl who has said, if he can't handle my gas, he can't handle me. I'm not getting bloated and uncomfortable for anyone. But, even I understand the time table. There is a suitable time to...for lack of better term, and pun intended 'let shit fly'.
Of course the very first time I went to MFC's house and used the bathroom, I sat down and it was like my body just couldn't wait to break the bathroom in. Seriously? NOW?? I've been here 20 minutes!
Naturally as would be my luck, I had a toilet clogging incident and there was that moment of panic where you stare at the water level in the toilet and pray to GOD in a cold sweat that everything is going down and there won't be an overflow situation. I wildly looked for a plunger to no avail. Luckily for me, someone smiled upon me and I didn't need to call in the reserves.
There was a double flush situation, and a longer than normal bathroom average time. Could the jig be up so soon? Sigh. It has been that way ever since. My colon ADORES that toilet.
Weeks go by and I end up in a conversation with someone my roommate is seeing. Turns out, he's been leaving our house in a hot hurry in the morning for sweet relief because he didn't realize we have a fan in our bathroom to muffle the noises. Then he broke the ice by farting in front of ME, I farted in front of him so, he feels better. Still not in front of my roommate, but at least he can go somewhere in the house for relief. He also found the window in our shower. We all know his business when you walk in the bathroom at 6am with the fan going and the window wide open. Brrr.
I break this news to MFC about roommates' man's bathroom hangups. MFC is surprised to find out about our fan as well, and dare I say elated?
As a woman I never think about the fan...I rely on the faucet trick. Ladies, you know it. You know it well. Everything can be muffled with a hard running faucet.
MFC, is fascinated with this trick--he has never heard of this one. We are now trading battle field stories. And, somehow it turns into who is going to let the fart fly first. Then it turns into 'how bad could it really be?'. This sounds like a contest to me. And, much like my friend's 'Ugly Sweater Party' looming in December, I politely tell him he doesn't know who he is dealing with. This may not be lady like, but I am human like. Do we really want to open this can of worms?
We all know once it is opened there is no going back. Before you know it you are getting a dutch oven at 7am and that is now foreplay. This could lead to no good.
I made a tentative step by setting one free in front of his brother..which is almost the same...OK not at all the same.
My good friend Nate says 'Al, don't do it. It changes everything'. Of course he is being dramatic..but, maybe it does..
Siobhan (my roommate) is convinced that all the women in the 50's looked so happy to see their husbands off to work because they were just waiting to go to the bathroom--or just pass some gas.
The divorce rate WAS a lot lower then..maybe they were onto something...hmm.
However, MFC is all but begging me to let one free. OK, he is begging. Clearly he just wants to relieve the pressure. Pun intended.
I told him it's his game. His move first.
Game on. Someone is gonna get hurt.
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