Follow the yellow brick road

As I reflected on the year in January I did a sort of decade in review.  In that post I said I would elaborate on some of the stories.
I turn 30 9 days from today, and as 30 is really the new decade for me, I am going to try and post something everyday that has shaped me thus far.  This is totally out of order now that I am thinking of things I am going to write about, but for some reason this story is stuck in my head.

***THIS IS AN ADULT STORY WITH ADULT LANGUAGE.  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED***
(This means it's gonna be really good--but, if you are a relative or afraid you are going to find out too much about me..it's not like that at all so you can keep reading, I'm just saying to be true to the story...I'm going to talk about adult topics and drop the F-bomb)

When I was 20 years old I had perhaps what will go down as one of the best summers of my life.  I lived with 3 of my best friends, and since we lived across the street from our college people were always stopping by.  I was a smoker...and although this is a dirty nasty habit that I do not condone, or do anymore..I like to think I made smoking look good.
I had a pretty good fake ID that I only got stopped at one bar over, and they still let me in.  The pounds that I packed on my Freshman year were coming off and I was feeling good about myself.

Again, I majored in Theatre and finally got cast in a great part in a great show 'Little Shop of Horrors'. I was a doo-wop girl--lots of singing and dancing.  Great costumes and general fabulousness.  Fabulocity as Kimora Lee Simmons would say.  I wish I made up that word.  I finally felt like I was going to be able to show my professors that summer that I was worth a shot in other shows.

None of this however trumped my crush that summer.  It had started with a musical review I was cast in. This guy was the director--he came from the Boston Conservatory, 21 or 22.  Tall, slight build, blond crazy hair, beautiful blue eyes...I think.  Well, I'm pretty sure they were blue.  We're going with blue.
All of us (men and women alike) had a crush on Douglas...or Duglis as he liked to call himself.
He was ridiculously talented, and watching him play the piano was almost a religious experience.
Then he came in to direct Little Shop and it was over.
He had something about him.  A combination of talent, awkwardness, handsomeness, kindness..and a burning question of 'was he or wasn't he gay' about him.  Not totally feminine but, a quality about him that made you wonder.

All summer long I rehearsed, worked waitressing, watched dirty dancing at odd hours with my friend Johanna ( I don't know why, but we watched it every night between 1 and 3AM and recited the whole move out loud..probably because we were drunk).  I became a better actress, singer and performer because of that summer--and because of Douglas.  A big part was my need to impress him, but who cares? I got there!  This may have also helped me shed those lbs!
I felt a lot of times that we had chemistry and that we were flirting but, for one of the first times in my life I didn't get all stupid and just tell him how I felt.  This was hard for me---I put everything out there, usually immediately.  I couldn't handle finding out that he 'just wasn't that into me' while I had to see him everyday, so I kept my mouth shut.
Good GOD that was hard.  I spent the entire summer analyzing with my friends everything he said to me or did.  I went out of my way to pick him up in Boston, spent a ton of time with him in his fabulous apartment on Beacon street and again, smoking way too many cigarettes and drinking WAY too much.  All the things that are appealing when you are 20, but as you approach 30 you say wow.  I was so dumb!
Michael--Douglas's roomate was also in the show with us and they both became a permanent fixture in my life.
It was a glorious summer.
Finally the show went up, and it was a huge success, I was noticed--I actually DID have talent. That was a relief--my college debt would have been all for naught.  Oh..wait.  I'm not doing anything with my Theatre degree..hmmm
Oh.  Right.  It was a glorious summer.
Things were definitely sparking between us but we had never said anything about it, the show was ending and it was setting in that I better speak now.  His birthday was coming and I told him I was going to take him somewhere special.  I knew it was now or never and it was time to tell him how I felt.  What did I have to lose?  I was listening on repeat to a mix tape he gave me and analyzing his song choice. Even I knew it was getting bad.
I took him to 'Castle Rock' in Marblehead one night.  It is a beautiful place--it is a rock that sits right out on the ocean. You climb to the top and the view at night is breath-taking.
We sat for a couple of hours just talking, and my heart was going about 2,000 beats per minute.  I just had to say it.  I don't remember what I said, but I told him that I had feelings for him..and jackpot.  He did too. I couldn't believe it--because I had to talk myself out of the possibility of him liking me back or else I probably would have jumped off the damn rock.
All of a sudden--I swear this is true---a moon that looked like it was out of a movie rose out of the water. It was a beautiful orangey-red color, and it was so enormous it looked fake.   It was like a sign.  Of what?  I don't know.  But, I had possibly never been happier in my life.  I had found love.  Love found me back.
The best summer turned into the most wonderful fall.  We spent the nights skipping through the streets of Boston.  Having dates, and doing some of the most amazing kissing I had ever experienced.  This kissing was so amazing, that it didn't strike me as odd that it was all we ever did physically.  Also..we only did it in public.  In restaurants, on the streets by my car.  Yup, we were that couple people were beeping at.  It was ridiculous, and I didn't care.  I didn't care that his best friend and roomate Michael was really jealous of us hanging out.  He started to hate me...but, you know what?  I was in LOVE.  I didn't care!
I also didn't care that Douglas didn't want to 'label' our relationship.  Who needed labels??? I hit the kissing only jackpot.  I saw the red flags and chose to ignore them.  I smiled so hard those 3 months that I'm surprised my top lip didn't swallow my nose.  Did I mention the kissing..it was a drug.

Perhaps this 'drug' induced haze is why I didn't see it coming.  

To be continued......