After the rain...

On to more exciting things.  Wow.  I'm single.  Again.  How the hell did that happen?  If you asked me when I was 18 where I would be at 30, somehow staying for an extended period on a friends couch would not have made the fantasy--but, that is where I am.  Let me say, I am thankful to have friends and family who let me stay on their couches.  Let's be honest, it's not ideal.  'Where do you live?' 'Oh..you know..um, no where right now really'.  It's so much fun to tell people that.

As I am planning to move my things July first I think about what my life is going to bring--new curtains, decorating, new town.  New life.  Again.
It makes me freak out about reminisce about the last time I was single, and all the really shadey broad array of guys I dated, and experiences you only have while single.
When I asked for inspiration for my blog my dear friend John had to remind me of a my incident with one of the Nelson brothers.  Ohh, you remember 'After the Rain', 'More than Ever',  'Love and affection'--no?  Oh, c'mon the twins with the long blond hair.  Let me refresh you:

Right.  Them.
So, John and I both fresh off of other break ups (years ago) decided we would visit  our friend Kristen who was singing on cruise ships at the time.  Perfect getaway.
John was off to check out the single scene while Kristen and I were on our own mission.  It was an unspoken rule that we would stay out of each other's way so as not to be confused as a couple.  Kris and I grabbed some drinks and snacks and joined one of the parties by the pool the first night.
About half an hour in a couple of guys sat down with us and started talking.  Immediately I knew something wasn't right..why did I know the blond guy?  And the other one...a little greasy and rocked out for a cruise.  Shortly we were informed that they were the entertainment for the next night.  They were quite impressed with themselves.  They were less than impressed that we didn't recognize them.  Rocker dude was a back-up guitarist for Lifehouse, and Blondie was none other than Gunner Nelson.
'Oh, right--you were on Celebrity Fit Club on VH1 right?'... This was not the right thing to say.  He stuck with Kristen for the rest of the night, while Greasy Rocker (whose name I don't remember) vomited information all over me about how great he was.
Where the hell was John?  If there was ever a need for an intervention this was it.
But, with I think some Swedish girls on board, there was no hope for this.  So, Kris and I were polite until we managed to escape.  We figured they would move on to some  other unsuspecting girls who would be a little more interested in there 'status'.
Not so much.  Somehow Gunner and Rocker seemed to find us at every turn during their 3 days on the ship.  Midnight Buffet?  Who found us?  Yup. You guessed it.
The second night they decided to switch things up, and I was lucky enough to spend some time with Gunner.  During one of his trips to the men's room I assured John he would find sudden death should he leave us.  I couldn't do this alone, and no matter how uninterested we seemed, the harder it was to lose them.  I'm guessing they thought we were 'playing hard to get'.  Really we were just playing 'uninterested'.
But, here we were.  Kris, Rocker, Me, Gunner...John.  Dinner table, food.  Fantastic.
While in the buffet line Gunner painted a picture for me.  "you should really see my room.  It's got a balcony.  It's got a huge jacuzzi too...like massive.  It's really sweet.  I have it all to myself, this huge room.  I can just walk around naked whenever I want'.

Was he serious??  Was this suppose to turn me on and make me want to come back to his room?  Was I suppose to get excited at the thought of this random guy wandering his room naked just because he sang a couple of hits that I might have danced to at a middle school dance?  Yeah..I think that was his plan.
He asked if I wanted to see his room..and I told him maybe some other time, I had to you know..stay with my friends and umm..do laundry...and fold my friends underwear.  It just wasn't going to work out tonight.  Although the invite was so very....tempting.
We sat down for dinner while John did an amazing job of 'Cock blocking' (as he puts it) for a better part of the night.
As we ate I saw Gunner reach for the salt and pour a ridiculous amount all over his food.  Did I mention it was dessert?  I knew what he was doing.  I read about every magazine known to woman kind.  I know a diet trick when I see one.  I just couldn't help myself.  After 3 nights of them finding us, following us to any even imaginable and making us suffer through hours of stories I didn't care about I had had enough.
"Gunner...are you putting salt on your dessert"?
'Yeah'
"Really?  Salt on Chocolate cake?'
'it's..umm..a diet trick..if I put salt on it..I won't eat anymore'.
Honestly, I should have just castrated the poor guy.  He looked like he wanted to melt into the floor.  However, he had spent one night hitting on my friend, and the rest of this night painting a nightmare of a picture of him and his bad hair wandering his cabin nude.  Sorry Gunner.

Special Request..

Incase you can't tell...I'm a little uninspired lately!  There is a lot going on in my life..but, even though I am an 'over-sharer' by nature they aren't necessarily things I should share on my blog.  These things will go in 'The Book'.
So, I am taking requests--comment or facebook me and tell me what you want me to blog about...this will be REALLY SAD if no one wants to hear anything!  Is it too late to take that back?

So--if you are a good friend of mine and there is a story that you just can't get enough of that you think I should share...speak up.  I've got nothin'.  Well..that's not entirely true but..some things are best kept to ourselves I've heard..

Adventures with my GPS part II. Not a dead end.

In my last post I mentioned that my GPS likes to take me to dead ends.  Tonight, when I was pulling into a parking space she informed me 'You have reached a dead end'.  

No.  I parked.  And why didn't she give me that warning when I had IN FACT reached TWO dead ends!

The only thing that saves her is the fact that she has a really hot voice.  Which, I'm sure that sounds odd given that I am a straight woman...but, anyone who has hear her knows.  She sounds like a 900 number.

If it wasn't for the sensual feel she adds to my little Sentra, she would be in the trash.  

But seriously.  Her days are numbered.

Dead End

Ominous title isn't it?
I almost threw my GPS out of the car window today.  I'm not even kidding a tiny bit.  I said things to my GPS today that really should only be reserved for cheating partners.  If anyone saw my on the side street in Somerville as she told me 'Your destination has been reached', and observed my reaction they would have thought I was crazy.  However, what they don't know is I was suppose to be in Arlington.  On a different street.
This is the third time she has done this to me since Friday.  It's Monday.  Friday night, I was heading home about 5 miles.  Cambridge to Belmont.  Not far.  However, in the dark I don't know my way-or in the light for that matter.  I was counting on her to take me home at 1AM.
It seemed a little strange that I went down a random side street and I knew I was in trouble as I sat in front of a large house in a cul-de-sac and she told me to take a left.  After sending me in circles for a bit she got me home.
Saturday, I was headed back from a friend's bachelorette party in Newport.  She told us in .2 miles to take a left.  Small problem.  The enormous Dead End sign.  Ahh.  That just draws so many parallels to my life right now.

So when she told me to take a left into--the BUSHES earlier, then when I made a U-TURN I had reached my destination...I kinda lost it.
To top off my night, I got to the gym and had my headphones...but, no I-Pod.  Running without an I-Pod is like getting a cavity filled without Novacaine.  For me anyways.  Luckily my irrational anger towards my GPS made me run really fast.  Apparently angry running is good running.
And just when I thought it couldn't get better, I left the gym and went to the grocery store.  I told my friends I was staying with that I would cook for them tonight.  It was going to be Chicken.

When I approached the meats, there was something off.  As in, there was NO chicken.  None. Not one pack of tenders, not one lone breast.  None. It was like it was milk and bread with a blizzard coming.  Why the sudden run on chicken?

Top Moments Tuesday

OK.  It's top moments Tuesday!  I don't know if I have any top moments...here we go...

1.  I hit my knee on my bosses desk ridiculously hard yesterday.  The pain took me down.  I felt like I was either going to pass out or vomit.  I told my boss 'I feel like I just got kicked in the balls'.....it just kinda came out!  Not that I have balls to be kicked in..but, I remember someone telling me that THAT was the feeling you had when such an event occurred...perhaps I should have told a friend that..not my male boss?

2.  I had to say 'seriously dude' just now to a guy at the supermarket.  I ran to get my friend some milk for her baby, I was in a rush too...and I'm a pretty fast walker.  Not fast enough for speedy pants, for a moment I thought he was trying to hop on for a piggy back!  I swear I could feel his breath on the back of my neck.
'Seriously dude?'.  I will say that to you even if you are 70 when you are walking that close to me.

3.  I just realized today that most of my belongings are in one place, I am living at another place, and my mail is being sent to an entirely different address...maybe I should stream line?

4.  I partied on Friday night with a 1 year old.  Don't judge.  It was awesome.

Alright if these are my top moments...I need to re-evaluate?

I run to eat.

Today I had the WORST.  RUN.  EVER.  I should probably tell you that I have never really been a 'runner', I don't enjoy running the way 'runners' do, but I kinda got into over the last several months.  I have no goal of running a marathon--I am totally impressed with people who can, but I am happy to say I ran a 5K, in a respectable time, but that my friends is enough for me.
I avoided running after playing field hockey in High School one season and at the end of 'double sessions' we all had to compete in a run named after the principal.  The 'Rosa Run'.  Every day in double sessions in addition to sprinting and regular practice we did a mile and a half run in the morning and another mile and a half at night.  I was a dancer.  Not a runner.  I could NEVER finish a run without walking.
The 'Rosa Run' was I think about 4 miles.  I was in shape, I had always been active just not 'running shape', so said run made me want to throw up...before I even started it.  I came in second to last only before the girl who had severe asthma.  I'm not kidding.
However, even though I do small runs--only up to 3 miles I have gotten a lot better at it.  I'm faster, I have better form and it makes me feel less stressed.  But, to tell you the truth- I run to eat.  I am not someone who can eat anything I want and not pay for it.  So, I run to feel good...but mostly to eat.

Yesterday I went to the gym, and grabbed a pair of yoga pants to run in.  I should have worn them for what they are made for-yoga.  The entire time I was on the treadmill I was hiking them up as they fell down--really cute.
Well, I don't learn lessons very well.  Because, I grabbed the same pair today ( I thought they would be tighter after a trip through the dryer) and headed out the door.  Today I was running outside.  Let me paint the picture.
When I run outside I insist on bringing my phone.  For the last year and a half I had been living in Brockton...you never know when you'll need a phone.  I have taken this practice to Belmont.  You never know what could happen, and I am sure that my attacker would give me plenty of time to get my sweaty phone out of my sports bra.  What?  I don't have anywhere else to put it!  The side of my sports bra under my arm is a perfect, flat little spot.  It's gross.  I know.
I have my i-pod in.  Ready.
The entire 1st mile down the street was spent with me hiking up my pants.  First one side, switch holding my i-pod to the other hand, pull up the other side of my pants.  Now my ear buds are falling out.  And my pants are falling down.  My shirt must have felt jealous because my tank top (thankfully under a jacket) decided to start riding up.  Hike up, pull down, stick the bud in the ear.  Repeat.  For one mile.
At the end of the first mile my phone was sliding out the bottom of my bra and I knew this wasn't cute.  Just awkward.  After all the extra exertion from the pulling and hiking I was winded...and had to walk most of the way back.  Worst. Run. Ever.
Last week I thought I was kinda amazing because I out ran a thunderstorm.  I could hear and see it coming but, I ran and felt amazing--at the end, I felt like I cheated death...well, not really but, I was pretty happy to have made it back before the downpour.  Maybe it was because I had on running pants.  Not yoga pants.

Top Moments Tuesday

It's my new feature- 'Top Moment Tuesday'!  Actually, it's my only feature and let's be honest, it's a little dicey if I will be able to keep it up.  However, I may have read somewhere that having something like this will give me more writing focus, and also give me an 'appointment' for my readers.  It also helps to keep me thinking about things to write about all week.  I also may have made that all up, but I'm pretty sure I read it somewhere.  So, here we go.  Highlights of the last week on Tuesday- because everyone else does it on Friday.

- I mentioned that I laugh uncontrollably at inappropriate times.  Pilates class.  Very serious business.  If you are in the class you are either really earthy crunchy or in really expensive yoga pants.  I am/have neither.  You *may* also have a touch of pretentiousness.  I am in the class because I got a month half off on 'Buy With Me' and I couldn't afford it other wise.  It shows.  Not necessarily when I am in plank or doing other crazy weird shit some dude made up that makes me feel like I'm about to die, but when I act like a tall 12 year old.  Now, please know that you do some crazy, awkward things in class and it is all about 'pulling your belly button to your spine' and sucking in your stomach. Well, the girl who may or may not be my really good, friend next to me had some...gas.  No one heard it except for her and I.   She is obviously wanting to die.  But, that is it for me.  My face is red, I can't hold it in.  I'm trying so hard to be quiet.  I focus and tell myself 'self, you are 30 years old.  You don't need to laugh at farts anymore.  It isn't funny.  It isn't funny.'  Oh my god.  It was so funny.  Everytime we look at each other we get that quiet shaking laugh and we can't stop.  The more I try not to look at her the more I see her shoulders  shaking out of the corner of my eye.
The teacher (who took her first Pilates class 'at age three' with her mother--and it shows.  She is in her 40's and looks like she could be my younger blond sister) has now honed in on our immaturity.  She asks  if we are laughing at her..well, now I feel bad.  She's paranoid, no one likes to feel like your being laughed at and I said 'no, no I am so sorry--it's not you'.  She presses 'what is it?'.  My response in my crazy ab pose 'It's  not you, we are just idiots'.
This is where she told me 'you said the 'I' word.  The 'I' word isn't allowed in my house.
I'm also guessing laughing at farts is frowned upon in her house as well.

I did have other moments I was going to ad...but, I think that is all the ridiculousness I need to reveal for one night.

Will work for water.

I think it was Ellen Degeneres that had a moment on her show when things were going badly in her life and she came out and said she couldn't 'pretend to be funny or 'on' when everything in her life was going so terribly wrong'.
Ellen.  I feel ya.  I am not going to pretend that I think I Ellen Degeneres, though sometimes in alone moments I pretend that I am that funny--but, that goes along with the singing in my car.  It's a really self indulgent thing I do.  Pretending I am so hilarious that maybe people will want to watch a show about me.

However, I can empathize in the very small world that is my blog.  99% of the time I try and write something that will make people smile or hopefully laugh.  I love to make people laugh, there really isn't anything better.  I also can usually find a joke or something to laugh at in the worst situations.  I have been kicked out of class more times than I can count, left meetings, and should have been thrown out of church on numerous occasions because once I get the giggles I can't stop.  There are some people in my life I can just look at and we both give each other that knowing look that we are going to laugh inappropriately and not be able to stop.
However, as much as I can laugh at myself and really dark situations, there are some situations you just have to be respectful and tread lightly and tell yourself...self, this is not the time to make light of your life on your blog.
On the other hand, this blog is kind of therapy sometimes for me--and it is a space that is suppose to be uncensored, so there is the rub.  As I am writing this, I know this is boring.  My mojo or 'swaggah' as it was recently called is a little compromised, and as I search for the funny in my life that I can openly share again I leave you with this.  Some things I miss today.

1.GOD tonight is a night that this ex smoker wishes she could smoke again.  For so many reasons, but none more intense than the fact that the temperature tonight is PERFECT for sitting on a stoop with someone with a good topic of conversation and a back of butts.  I know.  Smoking is a bad, nasty habit (sorry smokers) that leads to no good.  I have discourages many a smoker to quit and have been disgusted by the smell since I quit.
But, I loved smoking.  I loved the social aspect, the rhythm of it, the ritual.  And on a night like tonight, on a week like this good GOD I would love a smoke.

2.  Water.  What?  I am staying with friends in Belmont.  If you aren't from Mass, there is a huge water issue right now that affects the town I am staying in.  As in, we can't drink the water, brush your teeth with it, wash food, ice cubes, wash dishes.  My friend Nate and I spend the night after dinner washing dishes in boiled water and rinsing it in another pot of boiled water.  We have bottled water (that we boiled because everyone has panicked and bought every ounce in the state) to brush our teeth.  I am showering in water that might be a little...poopy. The news said try not to get the water in your mouth or your eyes. Awesome.  Have you ever tried to shower like this?  Try it.  It's harder then you think!
Also, more importantly this has an impact on my coffee in the morning.  As in, I woke up, went for a run and just wanted a cup of coffee after before I got ready for my day.  Yeah.  Obviously Starbucks didn't have clean water either--and no coffee for me.

Now, I am done with this decidedly unfunny post.  I have water to boil you know.