One of the most important people in my life passed away on Sunday. My grandfather- 'Pa'. He would have been 92 years old in May. We are so lucky to have had him with us for so long--he was sharp as a tack, funny, loving and an inspiration. Not to go all emotional but, I'm pretty sure the only way to describe how I am feeling is utter heart break. I'm a little surprised at my reaction, I thought I'd be more graceful. But..it is just going to take time. I know a lot of you who read this did not know 'Pa', so you may not be sure you want to read the rest--but, I hope you will.
I was lucky enough to be able to pay a small tribute to him at his funeral by delivering his Eulogy. It is one of the most difficult things I have had to do in my life, but I am so glad I did. I hope it makes you laugh, smile and reflect on your life. Pa would have liked that. Also note, that there are notes to myself where I held up signs. You'll see my 'stage notes'--you can ignore those. Unless, of course you feel like doing some acting. Keep your family close, enjoy.
A few months back I had a conversation with my grandfather whom most of us in this room refer to as ‘Pa’. It’s a conversation I wouldn’t soon forget. It was a hot August evening and we were chatting in his room. He was reflecting on his life, and said to me ‘Al, when I go—don’t cry for me’—clearly, I’m doing really well with those wishes—I said, ‘Pa of COURSE I am going to cry for you! And he said, well, Al—the ‘thing of it is’ you shouldn’t. I have lived a long, full life and I am a lucky man. I’ve seen a lot of good times—and a lot of bad times, but I have been very fortunate for what I have had—I never dreamed I would live to be 91 years old.
I asked him what he thought the secret of a long life was…he said it obviously wasn’t his health! But, he did tell me the secret. I thought to myself, ‘self’ , someday there will be an opportunity to share that secret, because as simple as it may be—it is most important.
Naturally, when I volunteered to speak today—I thought back to that conversation. And…forgot. I FORGOT Pa’s secret to a long life. This, put a small snag in my plan. But, it got me to thinking—there used to be a series of books and posters called ‘everything I need to know about life I learned from: my cat, my dog, my kindergarten teacher.’ Now, I present to you- ‘Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Pa’.
1. Sing and be musical—Everyday until his last day Pa was musical. Whether he was playing his accordion at night after dinner in our house, whistling or blaring the music so loud in his car we would swear we could hear him coming from miles down 495—Pa loved his music. He constantly started sentences with verses from songs—one familiar one: I don’t want to set the world on fire, Al, I just want to start a flame in your heart. Even on Sunday his last day—he sang full out a verse of ‘Down the River’ with his doctor. After the chorus the doctor suggested they skip verse two because he had sung until his oxygen was too low.
2. Congratulate yourself—even on small accomplishments. Every morning in Pa’s most private of morning rituals, he was not afraid to congratulate himself on a job well done. It is certainly a great way to give yourself a pep-talk for the day!
3. Life doesn’t come with a manual-don’t be afraid to take risks in life, And in fashion. Ever the person to hate directions of any kind Pa wanted to figure it out himself. One day while getting ready for Church he came out in his latest plaid creation. Not one plaid. But many. And, to balance it all out—a striped tie. Luckily we stepped in, but he wasn’t afraid to learn. In fact, the tie he has on right now, is one he made himself. He loved working with his hands, fixing, building—anything he could. He was always ready to dig down into it. Just don’t hand him the directions.
4. When faced with fire be it friendly or enemy—get to the bottom of the fox hole. The only reason some of us are standing here today is because of Pa’s quick thinking, moving…and sheer luck. When serving in World War two Pa and a Buddy were in Italy—spending a long time being stuck by enemy fire. They heard the sound of planes coming—and they knew by the sound it was not the enemy. Then they heard the bombs start to fall and quickly they knew, not all were going to hit the enemy. As they were trained they had dug themselves a hole—and jumped in. Pa was lucky enough to be on the bottom. After 3 days of unconsciousness he awoke—and we all have the soldier on top to thank for that.
5. Be stubborn. Cats are said to have 9 lives. Pa had 900. Not only did he survive major battles in World War II, but he survived many personal battles as well. Losing his mother at 12. Losing his wife Eileen to lung cancer 25 years ago yesterday. Losing his father and sibling. Even with all this loss, Pa went on to win. Not always on the golf course-but, he did Win a battle with Colon Cancer, numerous strokes and heart attacks, not to mention a triple bypass surgery 22 years ago that left him with an artificial valve in his heart. The doctor wanted to put in a pig valve that would last 7 years, because after all—he was almost 70. Our family opted for the more advance valve. After all this was Pa. I think more than a few of us wish that doctor could join us today and witness just how much of a stubborn fighter Pa was 22 years later.
6. Be impulsive. After a routine colonoscopy Pa was advised not to make any major decisions for 24 hours. The next morning Pa pulled into our driveway with a brand new car.
7. Live your life with a hint of mischief. When Pa was younger there was one particular guy in the neighborhood who thought he was quite the ladies man. Naturally, there was a love hate relationship with him and the boys in the neighborhood On one of the weeks he was on the ‘outs’ he came to ‘call’ on one of the neighborhood girls. This girl’s father had a patch of prize-winning cabbage. Enter Pa and his buddy. The ladies man was inside long enough for Pa and said buddy to take some rope, tie it around multiple heads of cabbage—and then to the guy’s bumper. As he waived goodbye to the young lady he was calling on and her family they watched in horror as heads of cabbage bounced down the road attached to his car. This story, of course was best told by Pa.
8. Be the life of the party-with charm. No matter how many times Pa has seen a hospital, he never left without the making his mark. He seemed to make it his mission to charm every nurse with his flirtations—How DO you keep your coat so WHITE? MY, that sweater is lovely-where did you buy it. He was no fool—old school charm NEVER goes out of style.
9. Don’t live your life with regrets. One thing that Pa did regret was not finishing school. He made it until the end of his senior year when he hurt his leg or his ankle. The principle called him up and gave him grief about not showing up for class. Pa explained his situation—and the principle refused to believe him. Pa, being stubborn and a bit of a hot head said ‘fine. I quit’. The principal then said you can’t do that! It’s illegal, I’ll have you arrested, you have to be in school until you are 18. At which point Pa advised him to look at his records. He had turned 18 days before. The principal THEN told Pa he was a thief, as he had school property-all of his books. Pa told him he could find the books in his locker and he could keep the paper. If he were here today, he would count that as one of his biggest regrets—and one I know he hated to live with. He would tell all of us if we have something in life that we regret to fix it-for him, he would have gone back to school. But, if you ask me—I think he made out just fine.
10. And finally. Pa’s actual secret to living a long life. After wracking my brain, on my drive into work the other day I asked Pa out loud PA—are you out there. I need the meaning of life! I FORGOT! Can you point me to someone I told?? Lead me in the right direction. About 10 minutes later in my commute, it dawned on me. I think I posted it on facebook. I couldn’t bear to look and be disappointed until yesterday. I searched and searched my old posts. Just before I gave up—there it was. I like to think Pa led me there..but, he wasn’t much with computers.
The secret to long life is honesty-with yourself and with others.
It is so simple, but so right. The Pa I know, and grew up with in my house knew who he was. He knew his faults and short-comings and he wasn’t afraid to laugh at them. He knew yours too—and he wasn’t afraid to tell you. But, he also wasn’t afraid to forgive. The Pa I know may not always see eye to eye with you, and he wasn’t afraid to let you know it. But, it didn’t mean he loved you any less. Time made him open to more things, and helped him not to judge the ones he loved. He loved all of us. He wanted all of us to reach our full potential, and to make not only him proud—but, ourselves proud. Because he knew what both sides of the coin felt like for himself. He would tell us not to take ourselves so seriously, because although his life was long, life itself is so very short.
He is finally at peace and home now, with his parents, his siblings and his wife.
One final story to leave with you. Because Pa’s father—the original ‘Pa’ if you will, did not speak great English there were often miscommunications between the two. For the longest time—up until a few months ago Pa has been using a Swedish word when he was done with something. As in frustrated. The Swedish word was Enooga (hold up sign). In a fight with someone—Enooga! Can’t figure out how to work the VCR? Enooga! Full from dinner Enooga!
Pa was thinking about it one day after seeing a certain word…and realized he had been wrong. He hadn’t been speaking Swedish all these years—his father had been speaking the English language phonetically! He looked at the word he realized his father was trying to say. (hold up sign) Enough.
I know we can’t promise not to cry for Pa—as he would have hoped, but what we can do is learn from him. What he did right, what he would change. It was a long life, and it was a good life. Today we can celebrate his life. Enooga.
so glad you posted this here,everything you said was so thoughtful and well put. Pa adored you and would have loved hearing this...
ReplyDeleteGood job Al! I loved my gramps too and miss him every day!
ReplyDeletexo Maggie