Friday night I planned to go out with some friends in my hometown at a local townie bar to see my dad's band play.
If you know me you know I love to people watch. Not in a mean way, but people do some fantastic things. Especially in bars.
As I looked around from my new single perspective, I realized I had stumbled across my very own 'Courgar Town'. I looked around the bar and saw about 10 kinds of women I am petrified of becoming as I get older. Clothes might be a little too young, hair a little too colored, make-up a little too...much. All with a certain smell of fruity cocktails, wine and desperation.
The one woman I hoped maybe I would become was 85 in a black tube top and a white mini skirt with her sneakers. She was after all 85. At first I was a little shocked by so much...skin on a woman of such maturity, but as I watched her dance the 40 and 50 somethings to shame, I thought, she's got it right. If I am out dancing at 85 toss me my tube top and mini, orthopedic shoes and let's call it a night.
She had a jewel studded pin on that was an 'S'. My friends husband decided it stood for 'Super Cougar'.. Awesome.
I looked around again and realized outside of our group, not so many guys around my age. A few hours later as some other have come in, I notice one guy looking at me. We do the look, look away, look again, non-commital smile (because you want to make sure you are smiling at each other smile) routine.
For me...this gets boring after about an hour. I mean, c'mon come over and say something. My neck is starting to hurt.
So, I give up and ignore him. Naturally, this works. He starts to walk over, smiling, looking friendly.
He walks up close says what I can only guess is a 'hi' as he reaches around...and grabs my ass. What??? Seriously, I'm not even sure of the words that came out of your mouth and you feel confident enough that I was your hands on me. Now he's close enough for me to notice, he's not cute enough to get away with it. What ever happend to at LEAST an exchange of names? We just go straight to the ass grab?? What have I missed in the last 2 1/2 years?? Clearly something.
Now, what he doesn't know is that my back is to my FATHER. Who is about 7 feet away. I turn around sure he must have seen this. I imagine my father red faced and pissed ready to embarrass this kid. However, my dad is not the start a brawl in a bar room kinda guy...my family isn't really built for that. BUT, if you have ever sat through an explanation on..oh.. anything from my father, you know that a lecture is about all the torture anyone needs. That would take this kid until about 2AM and right to sober. That would be punishment enough.
Unfortunately, my dad is makin' like Stevie Wonder on the key board and is really into it...I'm not sure he knows he's not alone in the crowd of people. Oh well.
The ass man goes outside.
10 Minutes later my dad's band calls me up to sing with them. What the hell. As I start to sing ass man makes his way to the front of the crowd. Now, I can carry a tune, but the amount of buds deep he is is apparently the perfect amount to turn me into his own version of Britney Spears, Fergie (insert your own version of a hot pop star here).
I finish up and he knocks someone over to come talk to me. The conversation goes like this:
Ass man: You were F&*% unbelievable. I mean seriously.
Me: Oh, Thanks
Ass man: like when I like saw you get up there I knew you were gonna rock it
me: really, thanks
Ass man(reaching around the small of my back): like seriously awesome. really f-ing awesome.
me(turning a quarter turn): Thanks
Ass man (turning to try his moves again): seriously, I can't even believe it. Like f-ing awesome.
Me: Hi. I'm Alison (giving him my hand and trying to get his hand off me)
Ass man: oh..umm..I'm Jessie.
Me: have a nice night Jessie.
The End. Seriously...is the ass grab the new single handshake?
Monday, June 21, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
The day I became a Puma
This evening I was aggravated. I had no brains yesterday and left my debit card at a place really out of my way...like an hour and a half in traffic tonight out of my way. I left my sunglasses at the gym, I printed out directions for a few places I was going at work. Got to my car and had left them on my desk. Clearly, I'm a little distracted.
So, on my way back from getting my card tonight it was after 8pm and I was picking up groceries for the week and dinner tonight. I had told my friends I would cook. I was starving and cranky.
I get in line to cash out and the cashier says to me 'wow, you look like you're going to a party'
I look up...'umm...I do?'
Cashier (Joshua is on his name tag): 'Yeah, you're all dressed up--you look really nice.'
I look down at my flip flops, jeans and tank top..mentally note that before I left the house I had not a drop of makeup on and now I feel like I want to eat my own arm. Surely, he is kidding me.
'This is dressed up?! (nervous laugh) I guess I'm not sure what you're used to seeing! haha'
'well, you look lovely..really you do'.
OK. Now I have a good look at him. He is a BABY--what is he 18?? Oh boy. However, I can't look at him because I'm a little embarrassed and now my face is red. I can feel it. Not because I find him attractive but, because he is so blatent with his compliment---and it was sweet.
Blushing is a new thing I do. I never used to blush, now it gives me away every time. Damn hot face because an 18 year old thinks I look nice!
Joshua then says: ' I might be young, but I'm not shy....you can blame my dad for that'
Woah, Joshua. Woah.
I told him he should hold on to that trait because it will go a long way with women.
He says 'really? well, I haven't landed one yet'... I told him the thing I hate to hear... 'you have plenty of time' (This is when I realized I sounded like his mother)
He got a little defensive and said, 'oh yeah'..just like I do all the time. I said, 'Joshua....how old are you?'
'20'.
Me (laughing just a little): 'oh you have PLENTY of time!'
Joshua: 'well, you couldn't be any older than 25'...I'm really starting to like this kid! Not like that but...you know..maybe I could put him in a little box and open it up when I need a 'pick me up'..
Being the old lady that I am now, I didn't tell him he was a bit off.
He paid me a couple of other compliments and I couldn't even look him in the eye he was so confident. I was looking for a coupon and I couldn't find it. Now I'm dropping receipts out of my wallet because Joshua is making me flustered.
Thank you Joshua. Thanks for making me feel for a brief moment...like..I could be a Puma--cause I'm not quite cougar yet.
I hope no 20 year old girl breaks his spirit--I'm not confident it won't happen to him. But, I have hope for him. Some girl is going to appreciate him and his candor one day--he will make her day. I wish I could see it.
But, for this girl...no 20 year olds for me....
That doesn't mean I didn't congratulate myself in the parking lot..just a little bit.
So, on my way back from getting my card tonight it was after 8pm and I was picking up groceries for the week and dinner tonight. I had told my friends I would cook. I was starving and cranky.
I get in line to cash out and the cashier says to me 'wow, you look like you're going to a party'
I look up...'umm...I do?'
Cashier (Joshua is on his name tag): 'Yeah, you're all dressed up--you look really nice.'
I look down at my flip flops, jeans and tank top..mentally note that before I left the house I had not a drop of makeup on and now I feel like I want to eat my own arm. Surely, he is kidding me.
'This is dressed up?! (nervous laugh) I guess I'm not sure what you're used to seeing! haha'
'well, you look lovely..really you do'.
OK. Now I have a good look at him. He is a BABY--what is he 18?? Oh boy. However, I can't look at him because I'm a little embarrassed and now my face is red. I can feel it. Not because I find him attractive but, because he is so blatent with his compliment---and it was sweet.
Blushing is a new thing I do. I never used to blush, now it gives me away every time. Damn hot face because an 18 year old thinks I look nice!
Joshua then says: ' I might be young, but I'm not shy....you can blame my dad for that'
Woah, Joshua. Woah.
I told him he should hold on to that trait because it will go a long way with women.
He says 'really? well, I haven't landed one yet'... I told him the thing I hate to hear... 'you have plenty of time' (This is when I realized I sounded like his mother)
He got a little defensive and said, 'oh yeah'..just like I do all the time. I said, 'Joshua....how old are you?'
'20'.
Me (laughing just a little): 'oh you have PLENTY of time!'
Joshua: 'well, you couldn't be any older than 25'...I'm really starting to like this kid! Not like that but...you know..maybe I could put him in a little box and open it up when I need a 'pick me up'..
Being the old lady that I am now, I didn't tell him he was a bit off.
He paid me a couple of other compliments and I couldn't even look him in the eye he was so confident. I was looking for a coupon and I couldn't find it. Now I'm dropping receipts out of my wallet because Joshua is making me flustered.
Thank you Joshua. Thanks for making me feel for a brief moment...like..I could be a Puma--cause I'm not quite cougar yet.
I hope no 20 year old girl breaks his spirit--I'm not confident it won't happen to him. But, I have hope for him. Some girl is going to appreciate him and his candor one day--he will make her day. I wish I could see it.
But, for this girl...no 20 year olds for me....
That doesn't mean I didn't congratulate myself in the parking lot..just a little bit.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Ready or not?
After you break up with someone 4 things happen:
1. Everyone wants to know the dirt.
2. Everyone has advice on how to live your life now
3. Everyone tells you how 'they had a feeling it wasn't right/ going to work out', etc.
4. Everyone has someone they want to set you up with.
In my experience anyways. All of this--except for number 1, is usually meant to help you as a friend, move on, get your mind off of things or make you feel better.
One thing however, that a friend said to me over a month ago was that 'it is really important for me to take this time, alone. Set goals for yourself, some short term goals and accomplish them. You are going to need months alone'.
Now, I have never had a problem being single or alone really. I mean, everyone gets lonely sometimes, or has a moment every now and again when you are single that you want someone by your side. For various reasons: boredom, loneliness, parities where you are the only single person, a good movie on the couch, a night out, someone who just gets you, or you are just plain horny (sorry, but you know it's true).
But, all in all through my adult life while I have had serious relationships I have spent a good amount of time single and embraced it.
I've lived alone before. I've lived with roommates. I've vacationed with friends. I have by all accounts been a successfully single person.
So, what exactly makes me ready to move on I wonder? What goals to I need to set?
If I train for and run a 5K am I ready for a new relationship?
If I bill 2 million dollars a month at work (wow...that would be nice..) would I be ready?
If I successfully master making creme brulee while hula hooping to 'Shoop'...am I ready then?
I set goals all the time. I was never in my relationship and was suddenly lost and goal-less with no sense of self. One might argue 'OK smart-ass, you called off your wedding...clearly you need to figure out your brain'..
But, that's the thing. I did that when I figured out my brain. The tough part now is getting used to my life without the great partner that I had, and moving and all that comes with that. But, the hardest part is over now.
So, if something feels right, or good do I not go for it because I haven't checked off an imaginary 'to do list' that I would do coupled or single? Maybe?
My friend would say I need time for me to figure out what I really want in life. I'm not saying my friend is wrong, or saying something that is bad advise what I AM saying is I'm 30. I'm not old, but I'm not 22 either. I have dated. A lot. I know what works for me and what doesn't..
So my question is what is the magic amount of time--and how do you know when your ready?
Loaded question. Isn't it?
By the way. I have 29 followers.... Who is my number 30? I'm 30...so there should be 30 (more really) and y'all need to be commenting on my blog page--not my facebook link. If for no other reason than I can open up blogger and feel excited and surprised that someone read it! Yeah. I said y'all. I feel like southern women get shit done. I know you are out there because some of you are 'closet' readers. I see from facebook that my gay friends are announcing it is 'Pride Week'. So, why not show some pride here too! Come out of the 'definitely decaf' closet and be a follower! (You don't have to be gay-I'm not gay either.) And, if you are gay- well, you can start following me next week, because let's face it--you are all too drunk right now to figure it out :-)
1. Everyone wants to know the dirt.
2. Everyone has advice on how to live your life now
3. Everyone tells you how 'they had a feeling it wasn't right/ going to work out', etc.
4. Everyone has someone they want to set you up with.
In my experience anyways. All of this--except for number 1, is usually meant to help you as a friend, move on, get your mind off of things or make you feel better.
One thing however, that a friend said to me over a month ago was that 'it is really important for me to take this time, alone. Set goals for yourself, some short term goals and accomplish them. You are going to need months alone'.
Now, I have never had a problem being single or alone really. I mean, everyone gets lonely sometimes, or has a moment every now and again when you are single that you want someone by your side. For various reasons: boredom, loneliness, parities where you are the only single person, a good movie on the couch, a night out, someone who just gets you, or you are just plain horny (sorry, but you know it's true).
But, all in all through my adult life while I have had serious relationships I have spent a good amount of time single and embraced it.
I've lived alone before. I've lived with roommates. I've vacationed with friends. I have by all accounts been a successfully single person.
So, what exactly makes me ready to move on I wonder? What goals to I need to set?
If I train for and run a 5K am I ready for a new relationship?
If I bill 2 million dollars a month at work (wow...that would be nice..) would I be ready?
If I successfully master making creme brulee while hula hooping to 'Shoop'...am I ready then?
I set goals all the time. I was never in my relationship and was suddenly lost and goal-less with no sense of self. One might argue 'OK smart-ass, you called off your wedding...clearly you need to figure out your brain'..
But, that's the thing. I did that when I figured out my brain. The tough part now is getting used to my life without the great partner that I had, and moving and all that comes with that. But, the hardest part is over now.
So, if something feels right, or good do I not go for it because I haven't checked off an imaginary 'to do list' that I would do coupled or single? Maybe?
My friend would say I need time for me to figure out what I really want in life. I'm not saying my friend is wrong, or saying something that is bad advise what I AM saying is I'm 30. I'm not old, but I'm not 22 either. I have dated. A lot. I know what works for me and what doesn't..
So my question is what is the magic amount of time--and how do you know when your ready?
Loaded question. Isn't it?
By the way. I have 29 followers.... Who is my number 30? I'm 30...so there should be 30 (more really) and y'all need to be commenting on my blog page--not my facebook link. If for no other reason than I can open up blogger and feel excited and surprised that someone read it! Yeah. I said y'all. I feel like southern women get shit done. I know you are out there because some of you are 'closet' readers. I see from facebook that my gay friends are announcing it is 'Pride Week'. So, why not show some pride here too! Come out of the 'definitely decaf' closet and be a follower! (You don't have to be gay-I'm not gay either.) And, if you are gay- well, you can start following me next week, because let's face it--you are all too drunk right now to figure it out :-)
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